Reflections from a Monday Morning
I realise that my blog entries have been somewhat sporadic lately and I have been thinking about whether to carry on, but I will persevere as I do love it. I continue to blame it on a mixture of hot weather and a sauna office, being pregnant (yay!) and doing a college course as well as a full time job... and of couse spending time with my lovely husband. Anyway, to compensate for the rather silly previous post, I thought I would record some notes that I made when I was at N:flame, a meeting for youth leaders, a few weeks ago. I was writing in response to a number of things, namely the news that a teenager had stabbed another boy to death outside a local school. They are a little disjointed but thought I would leave them as they were:
We are so scared of being vulnerable. We are scared of being open, showing our faults and weakness. And we hide behind so many things, thinking about Stu in Phone Booth, hiding behind his expensive suits and fake watch. And I pray for young people that hide behind so many things; that poor boy who hid behind his blade, those who hide behind guns, attitude, intellect, sassiness, rudeness, niceness. And I ask that we'll model vulnerability, honesty, openness. Lord we look to you, our example, our model, our Lord, for you showed so much vulnerability; your hands were open before us and through you we have rigteousness...
It kind of tailed off towards the end cos people wanted to pray for me. And I would like to add something now I think. I don't think we make ourselves vulnerable just by displaying our weaknesses, but maybe it is also by displaying our strengths. So, here is a little vulnerability... I am absolutely loving my course at Cliff College. Previously, I think I always used my academic ability as a self esteem boost - I felt good when I got high marks, so although I think I have always loved study and research, it was always tied up me with me getting ego boosts in the wrong way, with the swings between arrogance and low confidence that come with that. But I think that God is changing me, and I feel different about study than I did when I left full time education 5 years ago. I have found that although I am on fire when I learn, I also have such a passion for passing on stuff and helping others learn. And I am trying to tentatively explore wher God is leading me with this.
And it is making me feel a little scared as I am so keen to share the stuff I am doing, but really keen to not be seen as arrogant. And I want to discuss some of the stuff I have been working on with others but really don't want to bore people. And, if I am honest, it is quite scary to open myself up and say that I think I have done quite well at something and ask for others opinions on what I have written... so, I'd like to post one of my essays on the blog but am not sure how to do that. Can someone please help? How do I do that thing when people can click on continue and a hyper link takes them to a separate page of the blog??
If I do manage to actually post the thing, please don't feel you have to read it, but if you do, it would be cool to get into a discussion. But please be gentle, I am feeling vulnerable.